Resilience: the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
The songs have it: It’s a wonderful world. And it’s a small world after all. But also, it’s a hard world. In rearing children, we’re preparing them for the hardships that almost certainly wait for them in their adulthood: e.g., long periods of tedium, getting laid off from work, entering the “valley of the shadow,” a lingering feeling of being “stuck,” declining health, relationship betrayal, frustration with society, being a loyal fan of the hapless Denver Broncos…
If they leave our care without being prepared for such hard times, we’ve let them down.
Some tips for cultivating resilience in our children:
- Don’t speak to your kid, even when he’s little, in a baby voice. You’re just getting him and you accustomed to being fake and infantilism, two types of resilience kryptonite.
- Build plenty of free time into Johnny’s schedule with the only stipulation being “no screens.” Let him take the initiative in filling it: will he draw? read? ride bikes? shoot hoop? If he comes to you with “I’m bored,” reply with that age-old wisdom: “Only boring people get bored,” and then tell him to scram and find something to do. In a world with so many offerings, a temptation is for parents to constantly cram the schedule with cool opportunities. The unintended consequence is that Johnny starts assuming others are there to entertain him. That assumption will work against Johnny later in life.
- Work trains resilience into kids like no other instrument. Here are two guidelines in handling that instrument: 1) Regularly assign work to Johnny that he knows he’ll need to do all by himself. Weed this garden. Clean the kitchen. Figure out the tricky musical passage in practicing piano. Scrub the bathtub. Write the paper. Sometimes Johnny will try to involve you in his work by constantly coming to you and asking how something is to be done. Eventually you might have to be blunt: “Figure it out and don’t come back until it’s done.” Work alone; work quietly – BOOM – that’s where it’s at! In building resilience, how important it is that we learn some independence! 2) After Johnny says his chore is complete, check his work to make sure he’s done. “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish/ it wears him out to bring it back to his mouth.” (Proverbs 26:15). The lazy man is marked by a lack of closure; the most basic tasks are started but left undone. And tasks are left undone for no other reason than it takes some grit to not get bored or afraid… but finish all the way. Important: When Johnny does finish his work all the way, make sure you’re congratulating him for it, maybe even occasionally slipping him a couple of bucks.
- Returning to the topic of boredom: Don’t allow the word into your home! There’s always something to be done. Some chore to do. Some fun to invent. Some book to read. If Johnny grows up with the thought that – to use the old Puritan phrase – every moment can be improved, he’s well-nigh ready for the big leagues of adult life!
- When Ben was in junior high, he came home from basketball tryouts and, with watering eyes, told us he’d been cut. Several times I watched Paul get lapped repeatedly and come in dead last in the two-mile field event. Similarly dismal anecdotes could be told about Kai and Tess, and I’m sure Liesel too has sporting failures in her future. Point is: sports are great for learning resilience! Learning how to fail, and that publicly. Find some programs that don’t take you away from Sunday gatherings, and enroll. And then wait for the good-for-the-soul failure…it’ll come.